Poster is better than this deserves, really.

WHERE TO START? The set itself was very simple, just some chairs and a couch and an IKEA end table identical to one in my living room.  The play got started about 10 minutes late and most of the audience was drinking.

They cut to still photos from the movie for transitions (Golden Gate Bridge, The roof, etc) so we were spared any sex scenes. Right off the bat, Wiseau started fucking up his lines IMMEDIATELY.  Referencing events and thinks that weren’t supposed to happen way later on. That was awesome.

Yep

The cast itself was interesting! I went to college with the guy who played Denny and so that added a surreal element to the proceedings. Everyone seemed like they were having fun. Greg “Mark” Sestero was deliberately half-assing it. They added a new character in the form of Travis, the soulful older black gentleman who romances Lisa’s mom. He was great and sang several songs.

Travis: The Travbest

All in all, it was a really fun afternoon watching a total trainwreck play that made little sense. The audience was loud and rude and it ended with everyone singing happy birthday to an audience member. And, most importantly, I got to take my photo with Greg and Tommy.

Tommy wouldn't flip the bird at the camera. He's a consummate gentleman.

Bampa-dah Bampa-dah?

BAMPA-DAH. BAMPA-DAH B-B-BAMPA-DAH?!?!!?

BUM BUM BAH! BUM BUM BUM BAH! BUM BUM BUM BAH! BUM BUM BUM BUM BAH!

S!

We’re back in bizzness, kids.

I now own all of SUPERMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES on DVD. Each week, I’m going to work my way through the series one episode at a time.  Dig?

Episode: “Livewire″

D-D-D-DANGAH ZOOOONE

What Happens: Local “shock jock” Lori Petty Leslie Willis (Lori Petty) gains ironically appropriate electricity powers, has beef with Our Man Supes, and gets mean mad.

Right?

Thoughts: 

• Evan “Milk and Cheese” Dorkin co-wrote this episode!
• Even without the bit where she calls herself “The Queen of All Media”, this episode is “Superman Vs. Lady Howard Stern”
• Lex’s little smile when Leslie is ripping on Superman is priceless. Lex has gotten the best little moments on this show.
• Right off the bat, Petty’s really fun here. Her whole morning show spiel is funny and sets the tone for the rest of the episode.
• I love that EVERYONE IN TOWN is listening to this radio show.
• The alternating cuts of “Leslie ripping on Superman/Superman saving the day” is a really cool sequence.
• In keeping with the whole Stern analogue deal, Leslie’s got her own collection of weirdos to exploit?

Baba Booey?

• Alright, so Leslie gets hit by lightning and gets electricity powers? That’s it? Or is it because the lightning goes through Superman first? Vague.
• Media doesn’t come off well in this episode, huh?
• Metropolis has a Times Square too, I guess.
• Livewire really is a cool Superman villain. Nice gimmick, great character design. Totally makes sense that she made it into the comics, though she’s been criminally underused outside of this show.

A Very Specific Fetish

• Trying to lasso a woman who can turn into pure energy was a dumb move on your part, Supes.
• OF COURSE Lex Luthor pays for Livewire’s hospital care.

Bluewater Press is run by greedy little trolls, so this is a great fit.

LIONSGATE FILMS PRESENTS: LEPRECHAUN TRADE PAPERBACK by BLUEWATER PRESS

“This is the tale of Lubdan, the king and sole survivor of the Leprechaun. The last of the Leprechauns!”

I…yeah, we know? You just told us this?

“A treasure dealer stumbles across his pot of gold and steals it. In this modern age, he finds buyers all over the planet through online auctions.”

Not only is this a great solicitation, it also appears to have been written by a drunk robot.

“MATURE THEMES. SC, 96pgs, B&W………..$15.99″

A BARGAIN

…..

Go pick up CRIMINAL: LAST OF THE INNOCENT #1, guys. Ed Brubaker. Archie analogues. An essay on Encyclopedia Brown. Go get it.

HIVE OF SCUM. A BLUEWATER PRESS BRODUCTION

So I’ve been watching ALOT of Twilight Zone lately. It’s on Netflix Instant (all but Season 4, actually. Dunno if there’s a rights thing there because the episodes were hour long that season or what.) and it’s just such an insanely easy show to watch in like….5 episode spurts.

BLOG BLOG BLOG YOU ASSHOLE

I’ve always been a huge Twilight Zone fan. Night Gallery too to a lesser extent. Rod Serling’s not only an incredible writer, he’s my favorite TV “personality”. But this is the first time I’ve been able to watch the show in chronological order and it’s been fun being able to do so and notice stuff.

A couple of things:

This show has really aged gracefully, for the most part. Yeah, episodes like “The Obsolete Man” or “The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street” aren’t, you know, SUBTLE, but it was important that they weren’t.

It’s weird to say, but the Twilight Zone is really moral show? And I can’t think of a show that better reflects what I’d consider my values? There’s a strong humanist bent to Serling’s work and it was and is a pretty progressive show. I can’t even imagine what it must’ve been like watching it when it aired.

That said, they do a good job of balancing the more inspirational/faith in humanity episodes with the “BOY THIS IS SURE A COLD AND UNCARING UNIVERSE WE LIVE IN” ones. And that’s great! I love that this show gives us episodes like “The Fever” or “A Stop At Willoughby” along side “Mr. Dingle, The Strong” or “One For The Angels”. It’s easy to make fun of how this show has what feels like 100 “weird airplane” episodes, but it’s impressive just how many GREAT episodes there are of this show.

Anyway, that’s what I got. If you have Netflix Instant, you really don’t have an excuse to take in a few episodes, Twilight Zone’s a textbook definition of how to do a GREAT anthology series.

Dig?

So I wrote a column for City Paper on Free Comic Book Day. http://citypaper.com/news/columns/at-free-comic-book-day-you-get-what-you-pay-for-1.1144570 If you’re checking out HIVE OF SCUM because of it, welcome! The urge to title it “BIFF POW COMICS AREN’T JUST FOR KIDS ANYMORE AND CAN ALSO BE MOVIES???” was strong, but I managed to resist.

Thor came out two weeks ago! And it was amazing. I don’t think anyone expected Thor to be great, but it absolutely was? Marvel’s best adaptation to date and a movie that is, I think, going to hold up to repeat viewings.  Reading Simonson’s Thor omnibus before and after I saw it only enhanced my appreciation.

That’s about all I have to throw out there. Assuming I have internet this week, HIVE OF SCUM is back on and full steam ahead. Stuff’ll be in flux until my day to day work stuff solidifies, but the blog spice will e-flow. I’ll leave you this photo of myself, my roommate Nick, and John Waters, taken last night at Atomic Books.

Nick, The Director of PECKER, Me.

HIVE OF SCUM. OH NO. OH HELL NO.

BATMAN AND ROBIN GOT SHIT TO DO

From the Encyclopedia of Comic Book Heroes! 

‘One of the coldest killers in the history of crime.’ Bishop is apprehended in October 1950 by ace crime reporter Dave Purdy, who, with a bit of secret assistance from Batman, blinds Bishop with the glaring beam of the Bat-Signal and then knocks the villain unconscious before he can recover (Det No. 164 “Untold Tales of the Bat-Signal!”)

Two things:

• Tiger Bishop is an AWESOME name.
• You don’t see the Bat-Signal featured enough as a protagonist.

****

So in non-Batman related blog news, I’m letting y’all know that I’ll be taking alittle blogging break. I’m moving next weekend, I’ve got a some job hunting to do, a spot of freelance writing work. And I’m feeling… burnt out. I need a break to clear my head and come back to this stuff.

So HIVE OF SCUM will be on break starting this monday and will start back up on May 16th. Most likely, I’ll be moving the new comics reviews to a monthly or biweekly feature and trying out some new content. If the mood strikes me, I’ll throw something up here, but can’t promise anything. But rest assured, this is only a small break. Dry those eyes.

AN OBSCURE BATMAN CHARACTER. EVERY SATURDAY. EXCEPT THE NEXT COUPLE OF SATURDAYS. LOOK I JUST NEED YOU TO ROLL WITH THIS OK.

HOT PURSUIT has just about the best name there is.

The Flash #10 

This was alright. Because it’s setting up Flashpoint and the current arc, there’s nothing especially fun like in the previous issues. No clue what Johns is trying to do with this Barry/ Carlie Cooper  Patty Spivot romance, but its not introduced all that well. Manapul’s art is pretty, of course.

Shave your face, Striker. You look like an embarassment.

Avengers Academy #12

Tom Raney is a FANTASTIC fit for this book. His art’s like a less cartoony/sketchy Todd Nauck, who I loved on Young Justice. The issue itself? Pretty good. Gage has been good about keeping character development moving over the last 12 issues. Last page was heartbreaking. Oh yeah, and Veil….yikes, man. Next issue’s promise of SUPERHERO PROM sounds like it’ll be a good time.

Alright, Lemire, lets see how you deal with this tie-in that does not interest me in the slightest.

Superboy #6

Red Robin giving Superboy crap for his initial “living in Hawaii with a fade” period made me chuckle. Marco Rudy’s filling in on art chores and everyone kind of looks like they’re in an A-ha video . The layout’s pretty good, but the figures are too rough for my tastes. Rudy does a great job at making the Superboy/Doomsday fight feel quick and kinetic, though. The sequence takes up the bulk of the issue and Lemire gives Superboy some great internal…I guess you’d call it narration. Pretty good for an editorially mandated tie-in!

Wait, isn't Abomination dead?

Best of the Week: Thunderbolts #156

Woman, what are you doing to that Man-Thing!

This is a real piece of dialogue. If you aren’t reading this book, you need to be reading this book. Parker writes the best Luke Cage around.

Satana-as-magic-wildcard definitely adds something to the book. The “Underbolts” B-team tryout bits were a real highlight (though if Parker actually puts Boomerang on the team then he will literally be writing Suicide Squad). Bonus points for “POLTERGEISTEN”. Oh, and Walker draws some more great layered sequences.

***********

I guess these reviews were shorter. Not by much though. Good week for comics, I wish my copy of the Abnett/Lanning “Legion of The Damned”/DC Comics 100 Page Spectacular hadn’t been misprinted! I’ll return it and try and snag it when they put out the corrected version I guess.

HIVE OF SCUM. LATER SKYHAGS!

But fancy new look or no, we got ourselves a Superman episode to talk about!

I now own all of SUPERMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES on DVD. Each week, I’m going to work my way through the series one episode at a time.  Dig?

Episode: “Blasts From The Past – Part 2″

Cool Vest Club

What Happens: PREVIOUSLY: Superman freed Kryptonian criminal revolutionary Mala from the Phantom Zone, partly out of guilt, partly because she thought she could help the world like he has. Superman is a total rube! His plan falls apart and Mala frees a man previously defeated by Superman’s father, would-be despot Jax-Ur.

Thoughts: 

• Superman’s space zoo gets so much screen time on this show. Really shows how Superman:TAS  is where the DC Animated Universe writers REALLY started paying attention to their own internal continuity. There’s some of that with Batman: TAS (mostly Harvey Dent/Two-Face) but its very apparent here.
• Looks like Prof. Hamilton coined the phrase “Fortress of Solitude” in the DCAU. Didn’t know that.

This is just a great accidental screen cap.

• I do like that Superman and Professor Hamilton do the logical thing in this situation and just ask the Brainiac orb how to build a new PZ projector instead of directly going after Mala and Jax-Ur.
• Ooo and a reference to Rao (Kryptonian God, basically). Is that the first time this show’s done that? I dunno.
• I think the audience is supposed to get enjoyment out of Mala heat visioning that bicyclist’s tire. Guys on bikes are sometimes just The Worst.

Hahaha

• I love how Jax-Ur is almost a good foot shorter than Mala. Deliberate Napoleon shout-out? U-Decide! Jax-Ur’s animated model in this episode bugs me, it seems too..soft? I’m not sure whats up there.
• Alright, Superman taking this long to confront Mala is …weird. Weak script spot there.
• It takes alittle while to really get started but the Superman/Mala/Jax-Ur fight’s pretty good.
• I feel like Lois hasn’t been central to an episode in A WHILE. They use her/Mala’s mad-on for her to good effect here.
• Intentional call back here to the time in the comics where Superman broke his ONE RULE and used Kryptonite to execute Jax-Ur and co. That’s kind of a weak story and this is a kids show, though, so that doesn’t happen here.
• Jax-Ur and Mala going around just wrecking shit for giggles.
• Whole lotta heat vision in this episode.
• That was…alittle anti-climactic.

Hey look at that a cover for one of these things that has something to do with the character I'm referencing. A RARE TREAT.

From the Encyclopedia of Comic Book Heroes! 

An ingenious criminal mastermind and master puppeteer who plans each of his gang’s crimes in painstaking detail and then uses puppets to “enact [each] fantastic crime in miniature,” as a sort of rehearsal, so that his henchmen will know exactly what functions they are to perform during the commission of the actual crime. Maestro Dorn and his henchmen are captured by Batman and Robin in April 1952 (Det No 182: “The Human Puppets”).

So, essentially, this guy has a semi-practical, if incredibly boring, crime schtick. Got it. Someone should put him in Scarface and The Ventriliquist’s gang.

AN OBSCURE BATMAN CHARACTER. EVERY SATURDAY. THAT’S THE HIVE OF SCUM PROMISE.

-Max

I just read Ultimate Avengers Volume 2: Crime and Punishment. It’s bad. It’s REAL bad. And we’re going to talk about just how bad it is. Helping me do this is Internet Friend and known Twitterer, Chris Chance!

Chris: Yeah, this is basically….remember the Will Ferrell sketch where he’s satan and Garth Brooks is the regular dude who’s trying to sell his soul? Basically Ultimate Comics: Avengers is Will Ferrell. Mark Millar likes doing big dumb action comics for people that like big dumb action comics. I like big, dumb action comics. I freely admit to it. But the problem is that, instead of playing a crazy awesome demon guitar, Mark Millar is giving us a Fender. He doesn’t know the make or model, or how to even play it.

Max: I dug it. The metaphor, I mean. Not this comic. Never this comic.

Chris: It’s pretty bad.

Max: For our readers who haven’t read the arc, here’s the important details courtesy of WIKIPEDIA:

Captain America goes undercover as a Russian crime lord in order to capture the Punisher. Instead of executing Castle, however, Nick Fury and the Black Widow secretly offer him a place on their new Avengers team. Meanwhile, War Machine is sent to South America to find a gangster who goes by the name Tyrone Cash. A former partner of Bruce Banner, Cash also possesses Hulk-like strength and invulnerability while retaining his intelligence. He is eventually blackmailed by War Machine to join the new Avengers team. After this team is fully assembled Nick Fury informs them of their current target, Ghost Rider. It is revealed that the Ghost Rider, as Johnny Blaze, made a pact with the demon Satan in seeking revenge on a biker gang, who killed Blaze and his girlfriend Roxanne Simpson as part of a satanic ritual in bartering their souls with Satan in exchange for wealth and power. The leader of the bikers Michael Blackthorne is the Vice-President, who made an executive order to the Avengers to stop the Ghost Rider from killing him.

Max: Whew. For a 6 issue story with no real character and long-form plot development, this thing is COMPLICATED.

Chris: Bear in mind that, before this, The story for Ultimate Comics: Avengers was literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. so, building on it was like chucking another adagio on the symphony. Okay, where do you want to start?

Chris: I kind of just wanted to give ‘Ol Frank a big hug, because what the hell was even going on there.

Max: I mean, I’ll give Millar credit in that he largely resembles the Punisher except for a line of dialogue that he utters in the last issue that just completely baffles me but more on that later.

Chris: Let’s talk about his costume, because man, there is a lot of ammo (PUN!) that that costume gives us.

Max: Oh yes. The Ultimate Avengers force The Punisher to be in their little Suicide Squad

but since they don’t want the public to know they’re working with a serial killer they put him in a faux Captain America get up. This isn’t a terribly idea except THEN YOU REALIZE THE COSTUME HAS A GIANT PUNISHER SKULL ON IT.

Chris: THAT was my favorite part of the entire goddamned thing.

Max: It makes absolutely no sense.

Chris: “We’re giving you a new costume so people can’t recognize you. BOOM. Here’s your giant trademark that’s been all over the news.” It’d be cool if he just like, spraypainted it on, but no, it was on there before. Someone thought about that shit. The crazy R&D department that Ultimate S.H.I.E.L.D. has which is basically Tony Stark’s David Bowie-esque brother. Seriously, look at that guy. Like he’s informing Bret of a party in space, which he’s late for.

Max: It actually would’ve been kinda interesting if they’d just put Castle in a regular Cap suit, literally making become something else. Alright, lets talk about TYRONE CASH aka BLACK HULK AKA YIKES HULK.

Chris: The First Hulk. Yeah, the ramifications of what Millar is trying to tell us about race are staggering.

Max: Tyrone Cash (which is a name that would’ve probably not even made it into a 70′s era issue of Power Man and Iron Fist, btw) teaches Bruce Banner everything he knows, tests out his experimental serum on himself, then becomes a literal gigantic black stereotype. Oh, and he’s got a cockney accent for some reason.

Chris: Well, he’s TOTALLY ENGLISH. Which, I’m really glad that a) Millar gets a chance to rip on the Black UK population, because he’s from there. I’m not really glad about that. At all.

Also, it implies that Bruce Banner stole the experimental serum and claimed it as his own in the original Ultimates.

Max: Millar’s retconning a story he himself wrote like 7 years ago. The mind boggles.

Chris: That’s not even the only time he does that in this story!

Max: Any time I ever hear someone say that the whole “Millar is racist” thing is overblown, I just want to show them pictures of this guy.

Chris: He’s just all “Yeah, I’m the hulk. I’m gonna rise to power.” ”Power” meaning basically a rap video. Tyrone Cash lives in a perpetual rap video.

Max:  They really should’ve just called him “Tyrone Power“.

Chris: I’m really surprised that Millar didn’t go for the racist gold in the conflict between War Machine and Cash.

Max:  Yeah, lets talk about War Machine for a second. Having never read an Ultimate Iron Man I or II before, he comes off like a total blank slate that says enough to advance the plot. Why is this dude even here?

Chris: I can fill you in on Ultimate War Machine. Basically, at one point, his armor was a Mecedes M-Class convertible with thumping bass and it transformed into what you see here.

There you go, buddy, you are up to speed. He fought Ultimate Captain America. And now he does this.

Max: Oh right, he was in the previous arc. Does this character have like…goals? Aspirations? I have NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING HERE other than being a Transformer.

Chris: Beepbeepbeepboop. He’s basically there to tell Cash that he’s a bad father. That’s his role. ”You want to join our team? We won’t let these people down if you do! eh? eh?”

Max: Yeah this scene is like Goofus and Gallant but with awful racial stereotypes. Oh, and before I forget. War Machine using the trump card of “WE WILL TELL THE FAMILY YOU ABANDONED TO BECOME CRIME HULK THAT YOU DIDN’T DIE BOOM” is hilarious.

Chris: Would that EVEN matter at this point? Oh yeah, his wife will seek him out for child support payments. She won’t be successful, probably, but even so? His life is pretty great.

He obviously doesn’t give a damn, or he’d be back there doing things.

Max: Millar totally wanted this to be some big moment and it completely falls on its face. Because you can’t throw something like that in a story where everyone is just an enormous douchebag.

Chris: YES. because everyone in this story is just so insanely Douche-y. Do you want to move on to Hawkeye, because Hawkeye, brother. Hawkeye got problems.

Max: Haha yeah lets do that.

Chris: Ultimate Hawkeye is basically Bullseye.They gave him arrows, but it didn’t stick, so now he uses all sorts of “gun” with which to go on government funded suicidal killing sprees. So, they slapped him in a vagina-neck sweater, chucked him on a black ops team.

Max: With a woman who has the same codename as the person who murdered his family!

Chris: Oh yeah and he’s really goddamn cordial about it.  I want to focus on another high point in this series: When Hawkeye attempts to connect on a personal level with The Punisher.  And, well, it goes about as well as it probably could, when you mention someone’s main motivation for killing MILLIONS OF PEOPLE as being “not that bad” and giving him the old “I’m Here For You, Buddy”.

Max: This was like the one story element that really interested me and Millar just fumbles it. Hawkeye just WALKS up to the Punisher and starts talking about how they both have dead families.

Chris: “Hey, we’re waiting for this shit to go down. Allow me to get emotional on you for no good fucking reason”. They are literally out there waiting for Ghost Rider. Which, if that’s what Ultimate Hawkeye did ALL THE TIME, he’d be my favorite comic character ever. “I know we’re about to fight Doctor Doom, but, hey isn’t it weird that in Pushing Dasies, you never see the dude’s mom?”

Max: I would’ve done a complete 360 on this arc if the Ghost Rider thing was just a smokescreen and Millar was REALLY writing about a blossoming gay romance between The Punisher and Hawkeye.

Chris: That would be the best thing EVER.

Max: I think the problem with these comics is that they’re SO RIDICULOUS but Millar doesn’t go that extra bit to make it the comedy it was born to be.

Chris: That’s the catch 22 of it. He’s like 90% there on making the best mainstream parody comic of all time. I don’t know if he knows it, but if he does, that is GENIUS.

Max: There’s a definite air of parody here, I think. But its like Millar’s just putting out the stupidest, most pandering comic in existence.

Chris: Okay, let’s knock out the last bit of the team here.

Max:  Black Widow?

Chris: What purpose does Black Widow serve?

Max:  The team needed  a woman?

Chris: Ok, because I’m pretty sure Black Widow is there because Nick Fury likes complaining about his marriage. That seems to be all he does whenever she’s brought up.

Max:  Yep. Again, just a total blank slate that parrots Millar Talk.

Chris: “You don’t have to tell me how terrible she is, I married her!”. I just want Punisher to bust out “Yeah, why DID you marry her, Nick? she seems like a total bitch!”

Max: But that leads us to THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE STORYLINE.

Chris: YES.

Max: The dramatic moment where Black Widow reveals that Nick Fury slept with all of her friends and family FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Just to fuck with her.

Chris: I can’t even put a finger as to why it doesn’t work, but it just doesn’t. It doesn’t work and is completely off putting. In fact, I think it makes me care even less about Nick Fury.

Max: I think now is as good a time to talk about how fucking bizarrely sexist this whole exercise is.

Chris:  Well, beyond the entire women that aren’t even used on the team, there’s the thing I think you noticed. That women are basically things.

Max: Oh yeah. And Millar repeatedly has male characters call women “bitches” or “whores” in this arc. And then there’s the scene where Gregory Stark calls Carol Danvers dumb to her face and she just sits there and takes it!

Chris: “Yeah, it’s a pain to hear her make words. With her mouth. Let’s go somewhere else, Nick.”

Max: Like, this is just accepted.. The whole thing creeps me out. Mainly because Marvel, atleast back a few years ago, was pitching this line as The Future of Marvel Comics.

Chris: Yeah, it was marketed as the beginning of a new era in readability.

Max: And what we’re getting here is characters just spouting offensive “cool” nonsense.

Chris: Oh yeah. The Ultimates is where everything broke down. EVERYTHING in the ultimate universe.

Max: I mean, Bendis has somehow made Ultimate Spider-Man remain readable but we’re talking about the kind of continuous creative decisions that caused formerly high-selling Fantastic Four and X-Men books to get cancelled. We should talk about Ghost Rider, I guess, since he’s like the star of this thing.

Chris: Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this depiction of Mephisto may have had a small anime influence. Just a teeeeeeeensy one.

Max: I didn’t realize until the third act of the story that the dude with anime hair was supposed to be the Devil and not Johnny Blaze. Its sloppy storytelling. And why is he sitting in airports, vaguely menacing children?

Chris: Yeah, good job on that one devil.

Max: I like how Millar takes the basic Ghost Rider origin and just kind of messes it up in ways that don’t make sense. So these satanist bikers kill Johnny Blaze’s girlfriend.He gives his soul to Velsing Satan or whatever. Satan brings back his girlfriend, gives her a new life without him, and makes him into his fire-headed errand boy. Ghost Rider goes around killing all the people responsible. And even after Satan tries to kill him with another Ghost Rider, Blaze is just like “Ah well, as long as you keep my girlfriend alive, I’m happy!”

Chris: Yeah, he’s all hippy skippy about just murdering people for the devil all of a sudden.

Max: Like, the whole point of Ghost Rider is the dude is this insane wildcard you can throw into a comic who just fucks up everyone. Making him kowtow to Beelzebub and accept his lot in life is just such weak writing.

Chris: But let’s be honest here. This entire arc is about absolutely no repercussions for any of these people.

Max: None at all!

Chris: You know what could happen? This entire story could go into a moebius loop and it would still all make a strange sort of sense. Just Ultimate Comics: Avengers 2 in perpetuity. Forever.

Max:  I hope the last page of the last issue of Millar’s last Ultimates comic is Nick Fury fucking Captain America’s old 1940′s girlfriend.

Chris: You know what? it’s actually shaping up to be exactly that. That’s what Ultimatium was.

Max: We find out that the whole Ultimates line is just the story of a Ultimate Nick Fury’s sex addiction.

Chris: “Hey, you know what? Nick Fury is a sex addict.” and the last issue of anything ever is basically an STD pamphlet. Inform yourselves about herpes. Here’s Tyron Cash to show you how.”

Max: If Ellis had written Ultimate Extinction a few years later, he would’ve picked up the ball on this and just had Fury fuck the Gah Lak Tus wave into submission. Chris, do you have any kind of closing remarks you want to share here?

Chris:  I think what I miss most about Ultimate Comics: Avengers 2 is that, dear god, it could have been so much better. It could have been a comic about Something. instead, what we got was a giant, violent, nonsensical episode of Seinfeld that made you feel sorry about the comics industry in general.

Max: Yeah. It kills me that like…Morrison or Bendis or Jason Aaron or whoever could’ve made something pretty cool and fun out this story. What we get here is something that I felt less intelligent having read.

Chris: It’s something that shouldn’t have been made. Like I said before, it’s almost as if Marvel wanted Lenil Yu to draw something. They didn’t care what it was, and neither did he. Mark Millar just decided to, I don’t know, participate by slamming a story together.

Max: This thing feels like a first draft that Millar threw together in an afternoon.

Chris: Ultimate Comics: Avengers 2: Hey. you want to know how much your money is worth? this. This is what you are paying at least 3 dollars for. Here’s a middle finger, spin on it.

Max: Alright, I want to thank you for helping me wrap my head around this, Chris. But before we go, lets talk about this one last panel.

Chris: I want to thank you for giving me a shot at explaining my severe hatred of this thing.

OH YES LET’S.

Max: Frank Castle. Delivering a zinger about how he voted for Sarah Palin. …What the fuck?

Chris: I don’t know why Millar decided to reference Palin here, but I think it adds the only depth this story has to offer. Which is a lot like driving a million miles in the wrong direction.

Max: It makes absolutely no sense. It’s a completely gratuitous, deliberately inflammatory reference to pop culture. In other words, it is the perfect encapsulation of Millar and this book.

I’m going to go drink and lie down now.

HIVE OF SCUM. WE MAKE THIS FOR YOU, FATHER-READER!